Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Sorry. Not sorry

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

for all #parents out there

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.