Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
A short story about romance.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
5 ways to appear taller
