Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH