Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.