Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

scrabbled eggs

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*