Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

more water

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

WTF IS THAT!

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”