Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
#StillHurts
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic