brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
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I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
