Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.