Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.