Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
😼🖥️
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’