Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

You Might Also Like


[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes


a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke


DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work


spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂


*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”


[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.


#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.


Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*


“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything


My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?