@pittdave13

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

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@steeve_again

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

@ch000ch

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

@notacroc

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

@leakypod

spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂

@JoParkerBear

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

@Lisabug74

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

@figgled

#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.

@weinerdog4life

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

@thisgirlstace

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

@3sunzzz

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.