Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh