[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year
spotify: are u sick of them
me: [nods] so sick of them
spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂
me: yes 🙂
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?