Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Steam Forums

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

The key to being in a cult is joining for the free haircuts and matching outfits, but leaving right before the inevitable “god says I have to sleep with your wife” talk from the leader.

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.