Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

Nose

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.