Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

You can’t outrun your problems…

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…