Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Worlds greatest photobomb

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

absolute chaos

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.