Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I’m not alone. I have ants.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.