Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

I love it

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*