Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Ha.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell