Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My dad is at it again
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
There is no try. There is only give up.