Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.