Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*