Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is how the alphabet looks from above

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‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?