Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.