Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

ㅤ

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances