Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.