Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶