Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
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Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
What in the hipster hell is going on here
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.