Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.