Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
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Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Breaking news:
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk