Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
New mindset, who dis?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.