Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
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I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.