Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”