Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

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*whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*


I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.


[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”


A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”


what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password


*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.


If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”


Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.


I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.