@Birdhumms

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

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@DaddyJew

*whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*

@heykarlin

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

@DiscoFruit

[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”

@DeronH

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”

@glutenfreematt

what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password

@KimmyMonte

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

@xeyednpainless

If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”

@Playing_Dad

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.