Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I have many caverns