Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?


Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.


I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.


If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.


You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.


Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]


There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.


Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.