@Birdhumms

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

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@JJSummertime

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@TheWidowmakerX

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

@lmegordon

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

@beefman138

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

@jakob_huber

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

@tazsme

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.