Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
You Might Also Like
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I am having an out of money experience.