Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

sir, my pâté if you please

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.