Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Lmaoo 😂

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

what’s really going on

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.