Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.