Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together