Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

So we got a goldfish…

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

Alexa, make me look good naked.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?