Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

rise and shine we got egg

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention