Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history