BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
You Might Also Like
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Am I having a stroke?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.