Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.