Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak