Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Asking the real questions!

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.