Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?