Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

Milk Cube

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

I was up all night reading about insomnia

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir