Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”