Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Omg 🤣

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.