Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
🤔😂😂
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”