Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly