Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup