Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Stop sending me this shit.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Schrödinger’s cookie
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable