Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

need him

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.