Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Candles never taste the way they smell