Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?