Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Tremendous stuff

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

guys I’m going home

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure