Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor