Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”