Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

I have taken up painting

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..