Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

This is a bad sign

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength