Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”