Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

one of

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

*has no idea what a book even is*

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing