Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
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Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now