Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
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Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
i just found this in my phone
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
