Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

ok hear me out: Luigiana

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

There is no “ea” in Tim.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.