-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again