-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
You Might Also Like
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
