Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.