Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not