Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

everyone has that one prude friend

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what