Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go girl power!

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?