Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”