Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

A fake ID that makes you younger

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.