Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

Name this drama.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

why isn’t thunder called soundning

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…