Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no