Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
uncle dave has been through hell
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
broke down and did it
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me :
All Day At Night
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where