Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

😂

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license