BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
5 ways to appear taller
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops