Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
You Might Also Like
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Cat.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t